the whole enchilada!

It's also clear I haven't figured out just how to be yet.  One day I'm skipping and dancing and the next day I feel like the universe's favorite punching bag.  I am aware, how egoistical that thought is.  I visualize the "skipping" me, dragging the "punching bag" me out of my own mind.  The "skipping" me is a lot more fun. I want to be with her most of the time.  I say most of the time, only because "punching bag" me makes me realize how much I appreciate "skipping" me. 

You don’t have to believe everything you think. 

Desire for anchorage and unlimited adventure. Desire for expansion to infuse the whole universe with love and also containment to the very few in my immediate world. Desire to be vulnerable and also to be the strength for all to lean on. Desire for absolute freedom and also to belong somewhere and with someone.  Desire for withdrawal from all that I know and for engagement with every speck of the universe.  Some days I am a goddess and on others I am plagued by petty desires.  Some days I am a wolf, unapologetic for my wild, some days I am ashamed of everything that is me.  Some days I whimper and whine, on others I roll on the floor snorting and cackling with glee.  Some days I am gratitude with every breath and in every moment. Some days I get blinded by the immediate circumstances.  But everyday, I ask the universe to send anything and everything my way, which will help me grow into who I am supposed to be. To always and forever, ...

That’s how my life is going to be. That’s how it has always been (with the tiny exception of my mind telling me otherwise) Affirmation after affirmation my entire life but somehow one chooses to always look at the trying stuff. With no clarity on what I want from my life and constantly going back one forth on it I’ve finally decided its only one thing. An inexplicably magical life which transcends all imaginations and expectations and keeps me on the edge and exhuberent all the time. Which transforms and evolves me into the best version of myself and helps me do the same for everyone who touches my life in someway. Amen.

I am working tirelessly to be less and less about my accumulations. A lot of changes have happened over the last year - I transitioned from surviving on non vegetarian, to being repulsed by it, to being indifferent to it and then preferring vegetarian and rarely having fish and just not being fussy when the situation demands for it. Just not needing alcohol or any other external stimulant - just being happy anyway, most of the time. Becoming more disciplined , more productive, though I still have bouts of procrastination and letting things linger on in my head , marinating (sometimes longer than needed) Taking complete responsibility of my emotional well being - not indulging in self pity and psychological drama (but allowing myself weeping sessions during PMS) More patient. It is what it is. Not complacent, just not crazily impatient as I used to be.  Being less reactive.  Much more careful about what all I buy and what all I need.  ...

A year of transformation, of a complete turnaround, and possibly growing up to an extent(?) I got initiated into the Shambhavi Mahamudra at the beginning of the year. It was the single most transformative experience of my life - simply because i was exposed to a dimension I didn’t know existed, i experienced something I hadn’t imagined or visualized before, I didn’t have a comparable experience , in fact I hadn’t even thought of that as an experience yet. For me it was simply something I didn’t know that I didn’t know. And that was the beauty of it. What that brought forth was me experiencing sensations in my mind and body, understanding my mind and body, trying to separate myself from my mind and body. Initially i was amazed, wanted to talk more and more about it, read more, know more, but as months have passed, i am content simply experiencing more, the questions have subsided about what and why, and there is a strange surrender. It’s not like there are no questions, there are ...